Years ago, I heard a man at a conference sponsored by AARP speak about how his wife’s MS had changed their lives. The disease was robbing her of her ability to walk and perform a multitude of basic self-care tasks.

One evening, as he assisted her in using the toilet, she looked up at him and angrily cried out, “Stop it!” 

He said, “Stop what?” 

Then she cried out, “Stop being my caregiver!” 

Exasperated, he said, “Why don’t you tell me how in the hell am I supposed to do that?”

She said, “I don’t know, but I’m sick of you just being my caregiver. I want you to be my husband!”

They fought. They cried. Then they sat down and talked about what they could do to make that happen. 

They decided that once a month, they would hire a non-medical care provider to come to the house to help her bathe and get dressed up for an evening out. He would ring the doorbell at 6:00, and they would go to a nice restaurant for dinner. Talk of anything related to her illness or incapacity was strictly forbidden. 

They discovered that having a date night once a month gave them something to look forward to, and it helped them stay connected as man and wife.

It isn’t easy to maintain a relationship with someone who is losing their physical or  mental abilities. But if you can find something you can do together that keeps you connected emotionally, it could reduce your caregiver stress and end up being a gift of great value to both you and your care receiver. 

Thought for the Day 

"I recognize that my care receiver’s disease has changed our relationship. I will look for new ways for us to enjoy one another’s championship so we can stay connected emotionally."