Buddha said, “Holding on to anger and resentment is like drinking poison every day and expecting the other guy to die.” I believe that is a true statement. I also believe that forgiveness can be an effective tool to reduce caregiver stress.  

A caregiver from Washington shared a story of betrayal with me that took my breath away. Sue and Ann had been best friends for 42 years. They’d gone to college together. After they married, their husbands became best friends. The two couples raised their children together, and they had lots of plans for traveling together during their retirement years.

When Sue’s husband suffered a debilitating stroke, Ann and her husband abandoned them. Ann said Sue’s husband had brought the stroke on himself by smoking and by not following his doctor’s orders. She said he was paying for his bad choices, and she was not going to change her life and sacrifice her retirement freedom to be a caregiver for Sue or her husband. The two couples live across the street from one another, and now Ann and her husband shun Sue and her husband.

When I heard Sue’s story, I couldn’t decide whether I felt sad or mad. How is it possible that someone could abandon her best friend in her greatest time of need? How could Ann possibly justify her actions?

There are some things that we simply cannot accept, understand, or rationalize away. If Sue could make sense of Ann’s behavior, if she could explain it, if she could find a rational reason for it, she could work it out in her head and heart. I don’t think there is a way to do that in this situation, so I said, “I think you have to forgive her.”

Nothing will ever make up for the loss of a 42-year friendship. Nothing can be done to undo the pain or restore the relationship to its former status. Sue has suffered the loss of a healthy husband and she has been betrayed by her best friend – a person she loved and trusted. Everything about this situation is unfair, unjust, and just plain wrong.

Sue deserves to be angry and hurt. Ann doesn’t deserve to be forgiven, but every day that Sue holds on to her anger, she will continue to be Ann’s victim. She doesn’t deserve that. She deserves to be free of her pain and sense of loss, and forgiveness may pave her path to freedom.

Thought for the Day 

"If someone has done something that I cannot accept, understand, or rationalize away, I will forgive them. They don’t deserve to be forgiven, but I refuse to spend one more minute being their victim. I will stop drinking the poison. I will let it go."