I hadn’t seen my dear friend Maggie in months. She’s been caring for her husband, who is living with Parkinson’s Disease for more than five years. I was concerned about her, and I finally convinced her to join me for lunch at a restaurant near her home. 

When she sat down at the table, she abruptly asked, “Do you have a mirror in your purse?” 

I said, “Let me check.” 

When I handed her my compact, she looked at herself, shrugged, and said, “Well, I just saw my reflection, so I guess I’m still here. I wasn’t sure because I feel like I’ve disappeared. I was beginning to think maybe I really was invisible!”  

Maggie loves her husband, and she’s committed to being his caregiver, but she has put all of his needs ahead of her own for so long that she’s lost track of who she is and what she needs to maintain her own physical, mental, and emotional well-being. 

I encouraged her to get some respite care once or twice a week so she could do something that would energize her body and stimulate her mind. I reminded her that she had previously enjoyed hiking, gardening, and painting. She wasn’t sure those were the activities she’d want to do now, but after exploring various ideas, she realized that the “what” of caregiver self-care wasn’t as important as the “why.” 

When we met a few months later, she told me she had hired someone to come to their home to care for her husband twice a week for three hours. The first few times she left, she spent most of her time away, aimlessly driving around town and feeling guilty. 

But after two weeks, she discovered that having something to look forward to and actually doing something for herself helped lift her spirits and reduce her feelings of anger and resentment. 

She didn’t want to feel angry and resentful toward her husband because of his disease and increasing needs. She didn’t want to feel like she’d lost herself and become invisible while caring for him, but she did. 

Thought for the Day: 

"I don’t want to become invisible. I will care for myself because a person who has disappeared cannot possibly maintain the physical or emotional strength required to care for another person indefinitely."