It can be hard to fully understand caregiver grief when someone is losing a family member who is old and living with dementia. I was reminded of that recently when Kathy, a dear friend, called to tell me that her mother had suffered a stroke. 

She said, “People keep telling me I’m lucky because my mother is 93, and I’ve had her so long. But I don’t feel lucky. I feel scared and sad. I’m worried about her and my dad. She’s confused and frightened and can’t even write her name now. She repeatedly says, ‘I don’t understand what’s happening.’ She gets mad when we try to explain things to her. I know we’re going into a different phase, and I know she’s old, but I don’t want to lose her!"

I have to admit that I haven’t always felt that the loss of someone who is in their nineties is a tragedy, but listening to my friend Kathy made me realize how important it is not to minimize anyone else’s loss or grief.

Kathy has been lucky to have her parents for such a long time, but that doesn’t take away from the pain she is feeling right now or what she will experience when they die. We need to understand that loving relationships don’t have expiration dates, and we need to respect other people’s grief, regardless of our own opinions about what constitutes a tragic loss.  

Thought for the Day 

"I will not measure another caregiver’s grief by my own standards. If I am aware that someone is grieving the loss of a loved one before or after that person dies, I will allow them to express their grief without trying to make their loss feel smaller."